Weddings and the Blended Family

Bride and her children When you have children from a previous relationship a wedding may become more challenging. It is important to make the child/ren understand that they will be loved and cherished. They need to understand that their relationship with their parents will not change, and that they will now have an extended family that loves them.

Especially for younger children and teens still at home this may become a time of worry and stress for them. Do not leave you plans to the last minute. What ever their age it is important that they have a role in the wedding, and the creation of a new blended Family.

In this article I will be focus on ways children and teens can participate in the wedding ceremony. Adult children can sometimes be equally challenging, but that is another topic.

This may be the first wedding for both partners, but one or both may have children from a previous relationship.
There are couples where one or both have been married before, and have children from the previous marriage.
Then there are older couples that are getting married and have children and grandchildren.

Through these unions a new blended family is created. There are often a number of new relationships formed at this time:

New parent,
Siblings,
Aunts,
Uncles,
and grandparents.

When a blended family is involved it is often wise to have a 'family wedding'. This is especially true when young children are involved. Yes, it is true that most weddings focus on the bride and groom. To help children feel loved and reassured they need to understand that their needs and feelings are important to both their current and new parent.

Preparing for the Wedding

Wedding Favors Include them in all age appropriate planning and festivities. Be sensitive to their feelings and concerns, especially if there is a former wife or husband that plays an important role in the child's life. They should not feel that they are betraying them by accepting a new parent in their life.

There are many ways to involve children in the plans and wedding ceremony. First, listen to their ideas. They may really come up with some good ones. If you're a little concerned try this during the planning stage:

If they are a flower girl, junior bridesmaid, or ring bearer let them help select their special dress or tux. First, pick out two or three that you really like, and then let them make the final selection.
You can use a similar technical with a variety of decisions. For example: select several wedding invitations that you like. Then let them help you select the one that suits your family best,
This will work with almost anything you want to involve your child/ren in
Table settings,
Flowers,
Favors…

By giving your child/ren a choice between two or three pre-selected options they cannot go wrong, but they will feel that they are an important par t of the upcoming wedding.

For the bride the wedding dress is one of the most important decisions of the wedding day. This is an opportunity to involve the daughters of the family. Once you have selected the perfect dress make an appointment to take your daughter for a special viewing. Oh, this works equally well for the grooms daughters, and what a great bonding opportunity!
Many couples try to save some money by making their own favors. User your children to help form an assembly line. Even a young child can take the complete favors and place them in a box or basket for save keeping.

Be creative, use your imagination and have fun! Make the wedding your own. Let it reflect your new blended family.

The Ceremony

Flower girl and Ring bearer As you begin your new blended family there are many ways to include your children in the wedding ceremony. Carefully consider each child's age and responsibility level. Do not give children a role that they are too young to fulfill. This will only add stress to everyone, and give the child a sense of failure.

Wedding Attendants

Participating as wedding attendants is the most obvious way to involve children and grandchildren in the ceremony.

Flower girl (age 4 – 9)
Ring bearer (age 4 – 9)
Junior bridesmaid (age 10 – 15)
Usher (age 10 – up)
Bridesmaid (age 16 – up)
Groomsman (age 16 – up)

Wedding Vows & Family Vows

Children & Wedding Vows Many couples are extending their vows to include their children. There are several ways to do this. The bride and groom may add to their vows to each other a few lines vowing to love and support the other's children.

The following examples show how some families have incorporated their children in their wedding vows. Remember that the children are not the ones that have made the decision to create a new family. If you child/children are not enthusiastic about the wedding do not force them to make commitments. Their acceptance and cooperation may take time. Example #1 or #2 are both excellent ways for a new parent to include the child/ren in their wedding vow if the child is too young or reluctant to verbally participate.

Example #1

Wedding Vows: (The vow to children is read after the bride/groom states their wedding vow.)

Vow to Children:

Bride/Groom: Bride/groom's name, I promise to be a good and faithful husband/wife to you, and a patient, loving father/mother to child/children's names, caring for them/her/him and providing for them as my own. I promise to be their strength and their emotional support, loving them with all my heart forever.

Example #2

New Parent: (children's names), I want you to know that I dearly love your mother/father. We have become very good friends over the weeks and months and we have learned to love each other. As you have so graciously shared this wonderful woman/man with me, so will I share the love I feel for her/him with you.

Together, we will learn much more about each other. I promise to be fair and honest, to be available for you as I am for your mom/dad, and in time, to earn your love, respect and true friendship. I will not attempt to replace anyone, but to make a place in your hearts that is for me alone. I will be mother/father and friend, and I will cherish my life with all of you. On this day when I marry your mom/dad, I marry you, and I promise to love and support you as my own.

Example #3

Officiant: (Child/children's name/s) will you please join us? (Children should already know where they are to stand. They may stand in front of the new couple, next to their parent, or the new family may hold hands and form a circle.)

Officiant: Bride's name and Groom's name wish to share this special day with (child/children's name). Each of you, parent and child, share the responsibility for making this new family successful.

Officiant to Bride and Groom: Is your love for each other broad enough to include name of child/children and deep enough to honor them/her/him in your family?

Bride and Groom: Yes

Officiant to Bride and Groom: Do you pledge to love and care for them/her/him?

Bride and Groom: We will

Officiant to Child/Children: Child or children's name will you love, honor and respect the Bride's name and Groom's name as the parents in the home?

Child/Children: We/I will

Officiant to Child/Children: Will you join in the family covenant being made here today?

Child/Children: We/I do

Officiant to Family: Will each of you pledged to work together in mutual love, support, and respect to create a beautiful tapestry called family?

Bride, Groom and Child/Children: We will

Example #4

(To be read after both parents have completed their wedding vows.)

Officiant: (Child/children's name/s) will you please join us? (Children should already know where they are to stand. They may stand in front of the new couple, next to their parent, or the new family may hold hands and form a circle.)

Officiant: Child/children's names, do you promise to love and respect your mother/father's new husband/wife? Will you support their marriage and this new family?

Child/Children: We/I will

Officiant: Do you promise to accept the responsibility for helping make this family successful, and to encourage and support them in your new life together?

Child/Children: We/I will

Family Medallion

A Family Medallion® is a lovely way to include a child/ren in the wedding ceremony. The family medallion is a symbol of family unity. The presentation of the Family Medallion may follow the pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife, or the medallions may be presented to the child/ren as part of the 'family' vow.

Officiant: Often we think of a wedding as the union of two people. In reality, it is much broader. It is a coming together of families...

Two merged circles often symbolize love. The Family Medallion has three circles to represent love that reaches out to include their children.

Bride and Groom: n presenting (this/these) Family Medallions(s), we pledge to you our continuing love...

Parents & Children: We give thanks, O Lord, for the relationship here celebrated. We are humbled by the recognition that today we face a new future, one where love is unfolding before our eyes.

(This is the official Family Medallion ceremony. The words may be changed to meet your family's needs and religious values.)

Unity Candle

Blended family Unity Candle The lighting of a Unity Candle is a special way to show the unity of the new family when children, 6 up, are involved. The pictured Unity Candle holder is made specifically for the blended family with multiple children.

The lighting of the Unity Candle usually takes place after the completion of the wedding vows and exchange of the rings. However, each family can decide where it best fits into their wedding day.

The first tapers lit are the bride and grooms. The Officiant may light it, or the bride's parents may light hers, and the groom's parents may light his. The couple use their tapers to light the pillar, and then place them in the candleholder. Each child then lights their taper from the pillar, and place them in the candleholder.

The Honeymoon

Your honeymoon is a very special time. Many couples with children wonder if they should include their children by taking them on the honeymoon. This is a decision that each couple needs to make. However, do not feel that you need to take the children. This is a special time for the bride and groom to have private time, and to begin bonding as a new couple. Child also need to understand that married couples need some private time.

One option if to go on your honeymoon, and then to have a familymoon. For example if you have one week off take four to five days to enjoy each other as a couple. Then spend the remaining two to three day as a family. This will let you have your own time, but also give the children a special time with the new family.

If you are sure that you want to take the children with you on your honeymoon consider taking a babysitter. This could be an older sibling, an aunt, or a teen friend of the family… They would be in charge of the children when you need some time alone. In the afternoon they could take the children too the pool, and then give them a nap. In the evening the sitter could stay with them while they watch a movie, have a snack, and then go to bed. (After all you do not want to leave them alone at night, while you have a special dinner, dancing, and a romantic evening.)


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In this article I will be focus on ways children and teens can participate in the wedding ceremony. Adult children can sometimes be equally challenging, but that is another topic. This may be the first wedding for both partners, but one or both may have children from a previous relationship. There are couples where one or both have been married before, and have children from the previous marriage. Then there are older couples that are getting married and have children and grandchildren. Through these unions a new blended family is created. There are often a number of new relationships formed at this time: New parent, Siblings, Aunts, Uncles, and grandparents. When a blended family is involved it is often wise to have a 'family wedding'. This is especially true when young children are involved. Yes, it is true that most weddings focus on the bride and groom. To help children feel loved and reassured they need to understand that their needs and feelings are important to both their current and new parent. Preparing for the Wedding Include them in all age appropriate planning and festivities. Be sensitive to their feelings and concerns, especially if there is a former wife or husband that plays an important role in the child's life. They should not feel that they are betraying them by accepting a new parent in their life. There are many ways to involve children in the plans and wedding ceremony. First, listen to their ideas. They may really come up with some good ones. If you're a little concerned try this during the planning stage: If they are a flower girl, junior bridesmaid, or ring bearer let them help select their special dress or tux. First, pick out two or three that you really like, and then let them make the final selection. You can use a similar technical with a variety of decisions. For example: select several wedding invitations that you like. Then let them help you select the one that suits your family best, This will work with almost anything you want to involve your child/ren in Table settings, Flowers, Favors… By giving your child/ren a choice between two or three pre-selected options they cannot go wrong, but they will feel that they are an important par t of the upcoming wedding. For the bride the wedding dress is one of the most important decisions of the wedding day. This is an opportunity to involve the daughters of the family. Once you have selected the perfect dress make an appointment to take your daughter for a special viewing. Oh, this works equally well for the grooms daughters, and what a great bonding opportunity! Many couples try to save some money by making their own favors. User your children to help form an assembly line. Even a young child can take the complete favors and place them in a box or basket for save keeping. Be creative, use your imagination and have fun! Make the wedding your own. Let it reflect your new blended family. The Ceremony As you begin your new blended family there are many ways to include your children in the wedding ceremony. Carefully consider each child's age and responsibility level. Do not give children a role that they are too young to fulfill. This will only add stress to everyone, and give the child a sense of failure. Wedding Attendants Participating as wedding attendants is the most obvious way to involve children and grandchildren in the ceremony. Flower girl (age 4 – 9) Ring bearer (age 4 – 9) Junior bridesmaid (age 10 – 15) Usher (age 10 – up) Bridesmaid (age 16 – up) Groomsman (age 16 – up) Wedding Vows & Family Vows Many couples are extending their vows to include their children. There are several ways to do this. The bride and groom may add to their vows to each other a few lines vowing to love and support the other's children. The following examples show how some families have incorporated their children in their wedding vows. Remember that the children are not the ones that have made the decision to create a new family. If you child/children are not enthusiastic about the wedding do not force them to make commitments. Their acceptance and cooperation may take time. Example #1 or #2 are both excellent ways for a new parent to include the child/ren in their wedding vow if the child is too young or reluctant to verbally participate. Example #1 Wedding Vows: (The vow to children is read after the bride/groom states their wedding vow.) Vow to Children: Bride/Groom: Bride/groom's name, I promise to be a good and faithful husband/wife to you, and a patient, loving father/mother to child/children's names, caring for them/her/him and providing for them as my own. I promise to be their strength and their emotional support, loving them with all my heart forever. Example #2 New Parent: (children's names), I want you to know that I dearly love your mother/father. We have become very good friends over the weeks and months and we have learned to love each other. As you have so graciously shared this wonderful woman/man with me, so will I share the love I feel for her/him with you. Together, we will learn much more about each other. I promise to be fair and honest, to be available for you as I am for your mom/dad, and in time, to earn your love, respect and true friendship. I will not attempt to replace anyone, but to make a place in your hearts that is for me alone. I will be mother/father and friend, and I will cherish my life with all of you. On this day when I marry your mom/dad, I marry you, and I promise to love and support you as my own. Example #3 Officiant: (Child/children's name/s) will you please join us? (Children should already know where they are to stand. They may stand in front of the new couple, next to their parent, or the new family may hold hands and form a circle.) Officiant: Bride's name and Groom's name wish to share this special day with (child/children's name). Each of you, parent and child, share the responsibility for making this new family successful. Officiant to Bride and Groom: Is your love for each other broad enough to include name of child/children and deep enough to honor them/her/him in your family? Bride and Groom: Yes Officiant to Bride and Groom: Do you pledge to love and care for them/her/him? Bride and Groom: We will Officiant to Child/Children: Child or children's name will you love, honor and respect the Bride's name and Groom's name as the parents in the home? Child/Children: We/I will Officiant to Child/Children: Will you join in the family covenant being made here today? Child/Children: We/I do Officiant to Family: Will each of you pledged to work together in mutual love, support, and respect to create a beautiful tapestry called family? Bride, Groom and Child/Children: We will Example #4 (To be read after both parents have completed their wedding vows.) Officiant: (Child/children's name/s) will you please join us? (Children should already know where they are to stand. They may stand in front of the new couple, next to their parent, or the new family may hold hands and form a circle.) Officiant: Child/children's names, do you promise to love and respect your mother/father's new husband/wife? Will you support their marriage and this new family? Child/Children: We/I will Officiant: Do you promise to accept the responsibility for helping make this family successful, and to encourage and support them in your new life together? Child/Children: We/I will Family Medallion A Family Medallion® is a lovely way to include a child/ren in the wedding ceremony. The family medallion is a symbol of family unity. The presentation of the Family Medallion may follow the pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife, or the medallions may be presented to the child/ren as part of the 'family' vow. Officiant: Often we think of a wedding as the union of two people. In reality, it is much broader. It is a coming together of families... Two merged circles often symbolize love. The Family Medallion has three circles to represent love that reaches out to include their children. Bride and Groom: n presenting (this/these) Family Medallions(s), we pledge to you our continuing love... Parents & Children: We give thanks, O Lord, for the relationship here celebrated. We are humbled by the recognition that today we face a new future, one where love is unfolding before our eyes. (This is the official Family Medallion ceremony. The words may be changed to meet your family's needs and religious values.) Unity Candle The lighting of a Unity Candle is a special way to show the unity of the new family when children, 6 up, are involved. The pictured Unity Candle holder is made specifically for the blended family with multiple children. The lighting of the Unity Candle usually takes place after the completion of the wedding vows and exchange of the rings. However, each family can decide where it best fits into their wedding day. The first tapers lit are the bride and grooms. The Officiant may light it, or the bride's parents may light hers, and the groom's parents may light his. The couple use their tapers to light the pillar, and then place them in the candleholder. Each child then lights their taper from the pillar, and place them in the candleholder. The Honeymoon Your honeymoon is a very special time. Many couples with children wonder if they should include their children by taking them on the honeymoon. This is a decision that each couple needs to make. However, do not feel that you need to take the children. This is a special time for the bride and groom to have private time, and to begin bonding as a new couple. Child also need to understand that married couples need some private time. One option if to go on your honeymoon, and then to have a familymoon. For example if you have one week off take four to five days to enjoy each other as a couple. Then spend the remaining two to three day as a family. This will let you have your own time, but also give the children a special time with the new family. If you are sure that you want to take the children with you on your honeymoon consider taking a babysitter. This could be an older sibling, an aunt, or a teen friend of the family… They would be in charge of the children when you need some time alone. In the afternoon they could take the children too the pool, and then give them a nap. In the evening the sitter could stay with them while they watch a movie, have a snack, and then go to bed. (After all you do not want to leave them alone at night, while you have a special dinner, dancing, and a romantic evening.)
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